i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
