you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
