First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
