dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
