Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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