Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
