I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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