my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it glows. i had to have it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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