got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
