Capitaan dildo arrescate!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
