im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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