I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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