I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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