4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
