Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
