Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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