She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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