Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
