I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
