New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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