somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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