last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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