oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
