and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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