I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
