this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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