If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
only you would photoshop your dick
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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