I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
