Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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