i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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