How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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