Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
