I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
