Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
