I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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