I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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