I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
