I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
