the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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