Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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