Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
