we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
