Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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