I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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