I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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