Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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