the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
