so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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