man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
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With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize