I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We had sex on a dog bed..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
