I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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