Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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