i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
