I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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