Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
