I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
